Forever

Everything changes so fast in a baby’s life.

As soon as I have the impression of figuring out Aimé’s routine, it changes, sometimes radically.
As soon as I am delimiting the outer edges of what he can and cannot do, he learns new skills.
As soon as I think I am grasping some sort of essence of who he is, he transforms.
I can’t describe his personality yet.

It is always a challenge, trying to verbalize who someone really is, even oneself. But with each repetition, each story we add to the corpus of what we know, we build a narrative of who we are, we become who we are.

We are not the same as we used to be.

I am certainly not the same as I was before I had Paul. And before I lived through his death.

But Paul is always the same. Stuck in who he was when his life stopped. It hurts me to no end that he can never change. Never turn his routine upside down. Never take us by surprise. Never learn to crawl and to walk and to play with his little brother.

Forever who he was.
Forever unchanged.
Forever absent.

 

Photo 15-12-12 15 27 00

As I was writing this over the course of a few days (I am swamped with school work and trying to focus on that), I received this beautiful ornament in honor of Paul from the Remembering Together Ornament Swap. It seemed very fitting to share a picture here.

Since i don’t know how to contact the lovely Melissa who sent this to me, i will write here that i really appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you Melissa! xx

 

My post was inspired by The Prompt. Click here to read more posts around the word Forever…

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6 réflexions sur “Forever

  1. It is indeed so painful. When Zachary was a week old (and everything was going perfectly), I probably would have said that he had already weaved together a splendid story of who he was, who he was going to be. In each moment that he existed, I was in awe, completely satisfied. Then, to have him frozen in time, senselessly,…., well, as you know, it is pure heartbreak.

    Those words – never and forever – so severe and permanent. Oh, how it hurts.

    Thank you for writing.

  2. I found your blog through your post on the Parenting Writers facebook group. This piece is beautiful. I haven’t lost a baby myself but I had two baby brothers who died in infancy – one before I was born and one when I was 2 and a half. My family has been shaped by those losses and I expect it will continue to inform and shape my new family. I know – I have seen – how grief doesn’t go away but becomes something you live with. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Thank you Hannah for your perspective.
      It never truly occurred to me that the baby i was expecting might die. Once the 1st trimester and then the delivery were over, i thought we were clear. This time around has been so very different… i imagine living with the awareness of baby loss your whole life must have had an impact on how you viewed parenthood and the arrival of a baby in your life.
      (I’m looking forward to exploring your blog as well as soon as i get a little time).

  3. We are not the same as we used to be… What incredibly insightful words. We are shaped by the things that happen to us, and the pain of knowing that someone we love will remain forever the same is so hard. Such a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing with #ThePrompt x

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