la pluie. le gris

Paul,
tu es né par un temps intense
le froid, la glace, la neige
les éléments unis pour t’accueillir
nous t’avons fait un nid à l’abri de l’hiver

certains jours de soleil
sont comme des claques sur la gueule
me narguant
m’obligeant à (faire semblant d’)en profiter

sous la pluie, je me sens près de toi
peut-être parce que ça me donne le droit de rester cachée
peut-être parce que les rues se vident
peut-être parce que la rivière se gonfle pour nous

j’imagine déjà le retour du froid
de la glace, de la neige
le souvenir des semaines passées à te sentir grandir
le souvenir de ton arrivée enneigée
le souvenir des heures d’errance en février
sans toi mais en te sentant au plus profond de moi

pluviophile

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5 réflexions sur “la pluie. le gris

  1. This is so sad, and yet so beautiful…
    I can really relate to your feelings towards the seasons, our son was stillborn in the cold of winter. I feel that we are living through similar timescales, since both your Paul and my boy died, and we were both pregnant at similar times. I’m thinking of you, in sunshine and rain.x

    • yes… i have never been so aware of the passing months and seasons. I can imagine you being the same, especially as you are caring so closely for your garden. I am both looking forward to and dreading the return of the winter, with all of the associated memories.

      • Yes, me too. I hate that I get to see the seaons change, and not my son.
        The nights already feel like they’re closing in on me. The winter holds memories of so much pain, but also joy. We met our son in winter, but his life stopped then too. So many emotions mixed together.

  2. Typhaine – My Zachary shares the winter season with Paul. I ache to return to that season of frigid temperatures and white blankets of snow. That is how we welcomed Zachary into the world, and it stayed that way throughout his 14 days on earth. I walked into and out of the hospital at least 4 times a day, carrying breast milk in a cooler, trudging through the snow in the (covered!) parking lot. It feels like mirage now. I want that season back – I find I loathe the warm and green months because it feels so far away from everything that was Zachary. And yet, I worry that winter will be here and it will have me back to absolute square one.

    Fall has always been B.W.’s time. He was born still on October 1. Usually, at this time of year, I get that feeling of warmth and dread, as we prepare for yet another birthday without him. I haven’t quite grasped yet that we have 2 seasons to anticipate for, now. I haven’t been able to think about B.W.’s birthday this year.

    • I am so sorry you have to contend with all this trauma for a second time, so sorry Zachary won’t be by your side for the fall. Or the winter.
      Sending you my thoughts (and i am looking forward to reading you).

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